Acceptance

I have never felt like such a roller coaster before in my life! I am up and then I am down. I can't seem to stay on one emotion throughout the day like I want to. I have consequences to pay now for what has happened. Some of which I was already going to do, but now it is being forced up me again. This was why I had a hard time doing it before it was because an ultimate decision that I had to do if I still wanted to be happy. I put it off. Not entirely, just that I couldn't accomplish it like I wanted it to. In the end, since I didn't do it I was hurt. Well, I finally went and started what was being forced upon because I WANTED to. I knew I needed to before Satan could get to me any further than he had. Well today I was told that I am being FORCED to continue that.

Part of the Atonement from Jesus Christ is that we ACCEPT it, and we accept God's love into our lives. This thing that I am being forced to do is something that I need to accept. I need to accept that Albert is out of my life, and that he is continuing on with his journey, and that I should do the same. I went to Devotional today, and it was so hard for me to sit throughout the talk that was being given because I kept feeling the spirit telling me something that ISN'T going to happen right now. If it is the Lord's will, then why won't the Lord just let me get rid of this feeling for now. He knows that when I feel this feeling I get torn up inside. I had gone two days without the feeling, and then during devotional it comes back. I had gone with a friend who wanted me to meet a friend of hers. I guess he has been in the same situation as me where he was engaged, and then they broke up. Just meeting for the time that I did and being able to converse with him a little through text message, he seems like a pretty strong young man. I love how the Lord blesses us and makes us into stronger people.

I met with my bishop of the ward earlier tonight and I had so many questions to ask him. I was distracted though by how much I have been able to grow in strength and power since I saw him a week ago. A week ago I did something pretty stupid and was weak. Probably one of my weakest moments EVER that I have had in my life. A week later, I have been able to ask for the Lord's love in my life again, ask for comfort, ask for peace, and finally after ACCEPTING the Savior's atonement into my life, I feel like I was new again, and refreshed. My bishop was glad to see that I had the spirit again in my life, and color back in my face, and most importantly...my smile. ...He was so happy to see...that I have been able to accept what has happened to me....to take this, and make it into a learning experience.

I am going to tell you something that I have thought about MUCH today. Our life. Our life is a test as to where we are going to be in the post-mortal world when we die. I have been thinking back over the past 23 years of my existence and whose lives I have touched. Not long after those people make a friendship with me, they are so glad and happy that they have someone that cares for them in their lives. Eventually, 90% of them have turned around saying that they don't want me ever in their life. My test of life is quite hard to explain, because people say that I help them, but in turn I lose them as a friend. I have had two friends up here in Rexburg literally stick their necks out this past week to help me with my fight of Satan. I finally asked today if there was ever going to be a time in MY life that I am going to be 100% with what I am doing, not only for me, but for others also! I don't want it to be the rest of my life because then there would be no point of my test continuing on, but for a week, a month, or even a year! I have spent so much time being hurt time after time, accident upon accident, loss after loss. Can there be a time that I don't have to be hurt so much anymore? I lost my family at birth, I lost my family again when I was 11, I broke off an engagement of three years, and years later another engagement.

Right now, I am accepting the Savior's atonement so that I can heal from all this heartache and depression that has come over my life. May my life still be continually blessed as the Lord would have in due time. First, let's heal myself and keep fighting this fight against Satan, and show Satan who is boss around here. Satan lost his agency long ago, but we on the other hand still have our agency, and it is up to us to use it wisely for our benefit. FAITH in every footstep. HOPE in all things! LOVE constantly the Lord, the God!

<3 Barbara

At-one-with God.

So where do I begin?? I haven't slept in who knows how long, I haven't eaten in a week officially not, and I can't seem to do anything correct right now. Why do I have all these you may ask?? My life decided to do a backwards flip just recently. Let go back a week. I spent the entire Sunday with Albert. That was so wonderful. I left for home that evening feeling more in love with him than I had ever felt. I knew then that I needed to trust the Lord and let him work his power on me to accept Albert into my life completely. Anyways, Monday I went to coaching in the morning, and my finger got injured pretty darn bad. So I skipped out lunch because I was in pain, and I also hadn't had any breakfast thanks to a late start that morning. Went on with my day trying to stay on top of things and not be late for anything else. I was late to everything else. Finally, I got to see Albert at 10 o'clock that night. That was for sure a hard night for me. He broke up with me.

I have been an emotional wreck. We were practically engaged. I also had just come to accept to fully love him more than anyone else that I have dared to love. You may think that I must be stupid for being so messed up over a simple break-up like this, but for me it made a difference. I had decided several months prior to getting in this relationship that I was going to involve the Lord with every move I made. When I was engaged before, I didn't involve the Lord at all. I liked the guy. I enjoyed being with him, and so did he so that made me happy. I was once asked while I was engaged if I was happy with him. The person noticed I was hesitant and asked me to ponder about that and see what the Lord would want me to do. I was told to break up with him.

Today during church I kept looking back at that and then I realized maybe this is what happened with Albert and I. I know he was praying about us because of some problems that I had. I have been going through sometimes wondering what if I had done something different or just trying to figure out why. During testimony meeting a member of my bishopric got up and bore his testimony. One point that stuck out in my head was to "Remember". Remember the hard times in life, but to especially remember the fun times in life. I started to look back on when I first met this brother three years ago. He saw me in the worst possible condition at the time, and I thought that I would never meet him again. haha, look at where we both are now.

The object that has been popping out at me through many, many people is that of the Atonement. I have been dealing with a very sensitive subject to me at least. I was having a hard time writing about this, so I asked several friends to talk to me. I only got about two to actually talk to me. One of them had to go to bed because she had to be up in like four or five hours, and I know she doesn't like doing all-nighters at all! The other one was just hyped up and was glad to be talking to me. He just got off his mission not too long ago, so somethings were still "weird" for him. I was glad to be able to talk to him and receive some guidance and help from him. He was able to distract my mind away from things that other people have had a hard time to. He gave me the scripture of Mosiah 14:3-5, which talks about the Savior and him going through all the pain. He went through every kind of pain not even comprehendable to man, so that we can go to him and be HEALED by his grace and power.

This may be hard for me to face right now, but I pray that with all the help that I am receiving right now, that I will become stronger. Right now I am choosing a new road. You guys will be left wondering what I decided, but soon enough you will find out.
<3 Barbara