Crash

I have dreams where something bad happens to me, and I wake up crying. Well, today in reality I wish I could cry. I wish I could stop this void that I have in me. There is nothing that I want more than to be happy. Why am I not happy? I am practically having the time of my life. I guess I am not. I just wanted Zach to be happy tonight. Apparently that was too much to ask for because he was in a crappy mood which made me become into a crappy mood too. I also wanted to hang out with Catherine. I apparently ask to much. I am getting into a depressed mood again, so if I start posting up crap it is just that I have nothing else to put up.

How did I manage?

I managed Christmas better than I did that of Thanksgiving. On Christmas Eve, Zach's brother Steven and his lovely wife Kate, came up from Murray, Utah to spend Christmas with their family. It was fun to see them again. Terri invited me to have dinner with them last night before I went home. Of course me trying to get on their good side decided to stay, and I at least let me parents know. Well, my sisters were coming up from SLC also and they hadn't arrived yet, so that is another reason why I stayed. It was nice for me to at least know that they don't totally hate me. I hope they never do. They are like family to me. So after I had dinner with the Farrer family, I went home, and on my way home my sisters pull in front of me and I followed them on the way home. It was funny to follow them all the way from Rexburg and then watching them freak out when I pull into the driveway right after me. They were here for a little while last night, and then they went to their hotel and slept until this morning. We had a house full this morning with three of my neices, my brother and his wife with her mother, two of my sisters, and another in-law, with the three of us already living here. Trust me that was a crazy time when everyone was here.

Life in Winter!

So today I went to work with icy roads in the Rexburg area, and almost a clear highway 20, and slushy Idaho Falls roads. I did money/mail today for the pool, and while I was driving the truck that the pool owns, the rear end is sliding all over the place. Lets just say it was my first time experiencing sliding, but I actually did pretty well and remembering what I was taught. My little car did that after work when there was snow falling, so the roads were worse on the way home. Work went perfectly well today, and I am sorta looking forward to working the next five days left of this week! Tomorrow I start work here in Rexburg on Campus at the pool doing the same thing I do in Idaho Falls. This can be the boring job of my life, but yet really like it because of what I do and what I think. Just being on campus sends you thoughts to Christ. At least for me it does. More than likely what I will do is take my laptop, search the internet, watch movies, read books, and watch people swim back and forth! I know, not the most exciting thing to do for five hours, but I get paid to do this!
This evening when I came back to Rexburg, Zach, Derek, and I all hang out on Derek's days off, so we always do something or another. Tonight we went to Fongs, and before we go in, we play a little in the snow, and write in the snow and look up at the snow. Tonight I think was just gorgeous in all perfectness I think! Winter can be dangerous, but glorious at the same.

Hurt

I have a song by Johnny Cash titled "Hurt". I like it because it starts out mellow with only an acoustic guitar, then when the song is almost over with the drums come in and liven it up while he makes his voice louder. I guess we don't really realize that we all hurt within ourselves. We just tend to think that each of us have or own problems while everyone else goes on happily living their lives. I know that isn't true. My grandmother's students, friends, family, and coworkers were all hurt when she died eight years ago. Not only me, but all of them. All of them that came to the church house and overflowed the chapel and cultural hall on that Saturday. Lately I have been thinking that I am the only one hurting with issues that I have with my family and with my coworkers and my fiance's family, but that isn't true either. Zach likes to complain a whole lot and make it seem like he is stuck is this place that seems to be rotting to him, but I see it as the other way around right now. He has the option of going on a walk to the park or job searching, but the other people that are there during the day are trying their hardest to keep their heads above water more than he is. I just never heard someone cry to their significant other about their feelings like I did last night. Couples seem so happy when they are out in public, but is inside four walls that can change their relationship significantly. On TV shows we always see this happy couple and everything is going good, there are no problems, there are no outside problems from family, or entertainment. They just seem happy. I know that what the TV puts on the screen isn't true.
Last night Derek came bowling with Zach and I at Teton Lanes. We are in our second game and I walk behind Derek so when he pulls the ball back I can take it out of his hands. Well that was pretty funny because he didn't know what happened when his ball disappeared. Well my turn was after Dereks and so he takes my ball and bowls the first turn for me. I wasn't to happy about that. So the second turn they just leave me alone. Well after I pulled the ball back and it was moving forward while still in my hand, I trip on my shoelaces (because they are crazy long on those shoes) and fall flat on my face halfway onto the lane. Everyone was laughing. The next few frames I wasn't doing to good after that. I guess that shows me huh?

A conversation

I don't know what people think can happen when you have a simple conversation with them. Today is my best Friends 20th Birthday. Three years ago I remember going to school being so excited for it to be a Gold day. I walk into the choir room and taking my cello and putting it up. I walk to the top of the room by a door and some file cabinets. Seeing my group of friends all there and then seeing him just sitting there not on his computer, but looking over his little brothers shoulder to watch him play a video game. I can't remember what I got him that day for his seventeenth birthday, but I was glad to see him. That next summer in May we were laying on the sand playground at the Munjor elementary school. I remember asking him what he would do with out me. He rolled over onto his side and said, "Even though I will miss you, Life will still go on, just without you by my side like you have been this year." I just remember thinking my answer to that question. I would die without you. Anyways, that conversation just sticks in my head because of his answer, and how I wish that I could tell him my answer that I have for him. Even though my life is like crap right now, and my parents don't really give a care about me, and my coworkers are like they can only care about themselves. Today I got online on Facebook and noticed that he was on. Just a simple conversation with him made me feel some hope inside of myself letting me know that I do have people out there for me. They may not be the people that I am interacting with, but they are people that I once loved. That I once had a hug from, that once gave me some words of encouragement. Even though I may not love him like I once did, he is a person that reached out to me when I needed help and even though it may not look like he is serious, he listens and understands. Even from miles away. Everyone needs someone like that in their lives. Always.