Acceptance

I have never felt like such a roller coaster before in my life! I am up and then I am down. I can't seem to stay on one emotion throughout the day like I want to. I have consequences to pay now for what has happened. Some of which I was already going to do, but now it is being forced up me again. This was why I had a hard time doing it before it was because an ultimate decision that I had to do if I still wanted to be happy. I put it off. Not entirely, just that I couldn't accomplish it like I wanted it to. In the end, since I didn't do it I was hurt. Well, I finally went and started what was being forced upon because I WANTED to. I knew I needed to before Satan could get to me any further than he had. Well today I was told that I am being FORCED to continue that.

Part of the Atonement from Jesus Christ is that we ACCEPT it, and we accept God's love into our lives. This thing that I am being forced to do is something that I need to accept. I need to accept that Albert is out of my life, and that he is continuing on with his journey, and that I should do the same. I went to Devotional today, and it was so hard for me to sit throughout the talk that was being given because I kept feeling the spirit telling me something that ISN'T going to happen right now. If it is the Lord's will, then why won't the Lord just let me get rid of this feeling for now. He knows that when I feel this feeling I get torn up inside. I had gone two days without the feeling, and then during devotional it comes back. I had gone with a friend who wanted me to meet a friend of hers. I guess he has been in the same situation as me where he was engaged, and then they broke up. Just meeting for the time that I did and being able to converse with him a little through text message, he seems like a pretty strong young man. I love how the Lord blesses us and makes us into stronger people.

I met with my bishop of the ward earlier tonight and I had so many questions to ask him. I was distracted though by how much I have been able to grow in strength and power since I saw him a week ago. A week ago I did something pretty stupid and was weak. Probably one of my weakest moments EVER that I have had in my life. A week later, I have been able to ask for the Lord's love in my life again, ask for comfort, ask for peace, and finally after ACCEPTING the Savior's atonement into my life, I feel like I was new again, and refreshed. My bishop was glad to see that I had the spirit again in my life, and color back in my face, and most importantly...my smile. ...He was so happy to see...that I have been able to accept what has happened to me....to take this, and make it into a learning experience.

I am going to tell you something that I have thought about MUCH today. Our life. Our life is a test as to where we are going to be in the post-mortal world when we die. I have been thinking back over the past 23 years of my existence and whose lives I have touched. Not long after those people make a friendship with me, they are so glad and happy that they have someone that cares for them in their lives. Eventually, 90% of them have turned around saying that they don't want me ever in their life. My test of life is quite hard to explain, because people say that I help them, but in turn I lose them as a friend. I have had two friends up here in Rexburg literally stick their necks out this past week to help me with my fight of Satan. I finally asked today if there was ever going to be a time in MY life that I am going to be 100% with what I am doing, not only for me, but for others also! I don't want it to be the rest of my life because then there would be no point of my test continuing on, but for a week, a month, or even a year! I have spent so much time being hurt time after time, accident upon accident, loss after loss. Can there be a time that I don't have to be hurt so much anymore? I lost my family at birth, I lost my family again when I was 11, I broke off an engagement of three years, and years later another engagement.

Right now, I am accepting the Savior's atonement so that I can heal from all this heartache and depression that has come over my life. May my life still be continually blessed as the Lord would have in due time. First, let's heal myself and keep fighting this fight against Satan, and show Satan who is boss around here. Satan lost his agency long ago, but we on the other hand still have our agency, and it is up to us to use it wisely for our benefit. FAITH in every footstep. HOPE in all things! LOVE constantly the Lord, the God!

<3 Barbara

At-one-with God.

So where do I begin?? I haven't slept in who knows how long, I haven't eaten in a week officially not, and I can't seem to do anything correct right now. Why do I have all these you may ask?? My life decided to do a backwards flip just recently. Let go back a week. I spent the entire Sunday with Albert. That was so wonderful. I left for home that evening feeling more in love with him than I had ever felt. I knew then that I needed to trust the Lord and let him work his power on me to accept Albert into my life completely. Anyways, Monday I went to coaching in the morning, and my finger got injured pretty darn bad. So I skipped out lunch because I was in pain, and I also hadn't had any breakfast thanks to a late start that morning. Went on with my day trying to stay on top of things and not be late for anything else. I was late to everything else. Finally, I got to see Albert at 10 o'clock that night. That was for sure a hard night for me. He broke up with me.

I have been an emotional wreck. We were practically engaged. I also had just come to accept to fully love him more than anyone else that I have dared to love. You may think that I must be stupid for being so messed up over a simple break-up like this, but for me it made a difference. I had decided several months prior to getting in this relationship that I was going to involve the Lord with every move I made. When I was engaged before, I didn't involve the Lord at all. I liked the guy. I enjoyed being with him, and so did he so that made me happy. I was once asked while I was engaged if I was happy with him. The person noticed I was hesitant and asked me to ponder about that and see what the Lord would want me to do. I was told to break up with him.

Today during church I kept looking back at that and then I realized maybe this is what happened with Albert and I. I know he was praying about us because of some problems that I had. I have been going through sometimes wondering what if I had done something different or just trying to figure out why. During testimony meeting a member of my bishopric got up and bore his testimony. One point that stuck out in my head was to "Remember". Remember the hard times in life, but to especially remember the fun times in life. I started to look back on when I first met this brother three years ago. He saw me in the worst possible condition at the time, and I thought that I would never meet him again. haha, look at where we both are now.

The object that has been popping out at me through many, many people is that of the Atonement. I have been dealing with a very sensitive subject to me at least. I was having a hard time writing about this, so I asked several friends to talk to me. I only got about two to actually talk to me. One of them had to go to bed because she had to be up in like four or five hours, and I know she doesn't like doing all-nighters at all! The other one was just hyped up and was glad to be talking to me. He just got off his mission not too long ago, so somethings were still "weird" for him. I was glad to be able to talk to him and receive some guidance and help from him. He was able to distract my mind away from things that other people have had a hard time to. He gave me the scripture of Mosiah 14:3-5, which talks about the Savior and him going through all the pain. He went through every kind of pain not even comprehendable to man, so that we can go to him and be HEALED by his grace and power.

This may be hard for me to face right now, but I pray that with all the help that I am receiving right now, that I will become stronger. Right now I am choosing a new road. You guys will be left wondering what I decided, but soon enough you will find out.
<3 Barbara

Love is kind, all around Love!!

So I have been up for several hours now. My heart is beating erratically, and I just want time to go by faster!! I get to see my boyfriend today after spending like 12 days without him. I haven't been counting...I swear!!! ok, maybe I was! lol :)
I have been reflecting the past couple of days on where I was a year ago. I had just moved back home and all I know was that I was supposed to go back to school. I didn't know what I was going to be doing this fall semester or this slightest idea if I was going to continue on in school this fall. I remember sitting in my car right next to the Rexburg Temple one night and saying a prayer. As I was saying it I was crying. I didn't have the slightest idea of what I was to do. I just wanted some guidance as to what would with my year. When I closed the prayer, I still had no clue. I was one to have my head higher, but at the same time lower also. All I wanted was to feel at least SOMETHING of what was going to happen, but I didn't feel anything. All I felt was God's love for me and that he had this year in mind. I am glad now that he didn't tell me. He didn't tell me that I was going to start off the year being so hurt so quick. He didn't tell me that I was going to come better friends with Dawn and Tyson, and that I in turn would help them with their journey in life and for them to become stronger by letting them help me become stronger. Tyson is now on a mission in Jackson, Mississippi and I really should do better at writing him. His words of encouragement helped me realize the purpose of events happening. Dawn was able to come closer with her roommates and others in her ward. She received the calling of Relief Society President this past Fall semester and by what I saw, it helped her grow into such a greater woman than she already was.

I was writing in my journal this morning and thinking about my testimony. Albert has told me over and over how strong my testimony is to him. That is something that he finds attractive about me is my testimony. I was thinking about it and I think personally that it is currently pretty weak. I really hope that one day my testimony can become stronger and grow further out like the branches in the pictures above. Something that I kinda got annoyed at, at first was how forceful Albert seemed to be when asking me to do this, but now he asks me if I did, and I LOVE smiling when telling him yes because then I got to hear him smile! :) He wanted me to start reading the scriptures everyday whether it be just a few verses or a chapter or two. Like I said, at first I was reluctant but then I asked God to help me do this. So far for the past 10 days.....I have been able to read........ALL 10 DAYS!! :D I can start to feel the difference that has been in me since I started doing this. I would like to thank for encouraging me to do the things that I should be doing, and I am going to do better at it...I promise! I feel with me continuing to read the scriptures and making my prayers more sincere, my testimony will become even stronger than what it is.
I know that our Heavenly Father loves us, and when we can't feel it he will manifest it through someone we know. I know this because this past week he has been showing his love for me through Albert. He has shown me that no matter what may come He is always going to be there and though it may have been hard with my family this year during the Holiday season, he has shown me that everything is going to be ok....better than ok actually!!! New adventures are in store for me and I am excited to see them!

Being Grateful!

This semester is seeming to come to a close meaning closer for me to starting up in school again! Yikes! With the end of the semester comes students heading back home, aka: Albert going home for the Holidays. So I don't know if I have mentioned this, but with my relationship I have had this constant fear of being abused again like I was in my last relationship. I decided that I should go to my bishop and ask for his advice on how I can best handle this. After discussing for a few minutes he said, "Maybe it isn't praying for comfort that you need to overcome this fear. Maybe it is thanking God how wonderfully blessed I am to have Albert in my life.

Now that I have had a chance to reflect on it, those are the words that were inspired for me to hear. I am so grateful to have Albert in my life. He is so wonderful. He might not want to believe that is, but to me he is wonderful. His spirit is strong, and I can always tell that he loves the Lord and doesn't want to stray away from him.

With this holiday may we remember again the things in life we have been given this year. The blessings that Christ the Lord has given us personally, and that he was sent down here for us! His love for us is immensely. This year has gone from deep down in the ditch to way up high on the mountain top! I would love to stay on top of that mountain for as long as I can!

Joy

If someone would have came up to me at the beginning of the year that I would be so happy by the end of the year, I would have laughed and said, "No way would that be possible!" Looking back on this past year has been a huge turning point for me. This year started out hard. Things happened that changed me in more than one way. I was definitely not ready to trust anyone again anytime soon. All through Sept. and Oct. I had many, many flashbacks of the accident that took my grandmother, my family away from me eleven years ago. The week leading up to my grandmother's birthday I thought I was going to be having nightmares. I thought I would be super depressed and just one to not be around.

On Friday I went to go hang out with my oldest Sister. I was telling her that the Lord surely does hear us. I told her on how within the past few months, when I have been attending the temple, I have been praying that I would be blessed with happiness. That this fear would leave me, and joy would overcome me. My bishop also suggested that when I go, to pray about the future Mr. Spaulding in my life! lol. He has strongly suggested that I start praying sincerely about what I should do with things going on in my life. My bishop strongly cares for me, and loves me. He kept saying that I needed to pray asking for happiness, and for the lease of this fear that I have been holding onto for a while. One step at a time, and I have been able to achieve this goal that I have been working on.

I would just like to quickly bear my testimony that I know the Lord surely does bless us. If you ever may think that the Lord doesn't hear us, think again. He does. He listens to our thoughts and our actions. He has a plan for us, and he surely does want the best for us. We are each one of his children that he wants us to come back to him, to our Father. I honestly don't know where I would be if I didn't have this wonderful, truthful gospel in my life. It has taught me how to become so much stronger, and lets me know that even if in my deepest hour...I know I am loved by him and many others! I love you all!

Happiness

So I hardly ever get on here. I hope I do get on here more and more because I used to love writing on here! Well, last Sunday was stake conference for our Stake. I went with my neighbor family and sat with them. Some of the talks were about marriage and finding someone to love. I leaned over occasionally to talk with Mariah about my remarks, and how I was not going to ask any guys out on dates anymore. I was tired of just being the one to ask, and then not hearing from them again! So I was sure that I was not going to find anyone. The majority of the messages that were given was something that I needed to hear about not adding extra stress into your life, and to live life to the fullest. They also gave us a challenge to change something within our lives that would make us a stronger/better person. I had decided that I was going to work on being happier, smiling more, and overall trusting people in general. There is also a lot more to that than what I said.
Anyways, that night I started talking with a gentleman who noticed my comment about Stake Conference. He was wondering if we were in the same stake, but we weren't. Mine was in the morning, and his was in the afternoon. We started talking through messaging and then also through text later on. Friday evening we went over to his sister's apt. to hang out and have some fun there, and then we went on a walk later on. Saturday we had a double date at his place, and had dinner with a movie. We had talked so much that on Friday he asked me if I would like to be his girlfriend. Honestly, I haven't been so happy in my life! I haven't been able to stop smiling and knowing that this is what should be happening right now. I guess the Lord has let me know now that I have healed enough to trust myself with the chance of love.

Things are going great, and I am so happy that I can't believe this is happening! Happiness is of great joy!

Albert has been so great to me, and he is so amazing!!!